Quotes by Darynda Jones

After a long, labored sigh, I said, “She was really happy when I got there. I’m pretty sure she was suicidal when I left.”“You do have that effect on people.

Never knock on deaths door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that. - T-shirt

My fore-parts, as you so ineloquently put it, have names.”I pointed to my right breast. “This is Danger.” Then my left. “And this is Will Robinson. I would appreciate it if you addressed them accordingly.” After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, “You named your breasts?”I turned my back to him with a shrug. “I named my ovaries, too, but they don’t get out as much.

I may not look like much, but Im an expert at pretending to be a ninja.

After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, You named your breasts?I turned my back to him with a shrug. I named my ovaries, too, but they dont get out as much.

There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

I stood and walked around the desk so I could stand over him. Menacingly. Like Darth Vader, only with better lung capacity.

You know you have ADD when Look A chicken - T-shirt

I like to see the glass as half full, hopefully of jack daniels.

Insanity does NOT run in my family. It strolls through, takes its time, and gets to know everyone personally. —T-SHIRT

At first, I could lie about my lack of sleep and shed fall for it, but she started suspecting insomnia when I began seeing purple elephants in the air vents at the office. I knew I shouldnt have asked her about them. I thought maybe shed redecorated.

Want coffee? I asked, as I headed that way.Its three thirty in the morning.Okay. Want coffee?

I do not, I felt oddly appalled by her statement. Im an excellent liar. Ask my dentist. He swears I floss regularly.

Ambulances were cool. “You just want to fondle my extraneous body parts,” I said to the EMT as I picked up a silver gadget that looked disturbingly like an alien orifice probe, broke it, then promptly put it back, hoping it wouldn’t leave someone’s life hanging in the balance because the EMT couldn’t alien-probe his orifices.

You called me at four thirty-four....I hate four thirty-four. I think four thirty-four should be banned and replaced with something more reasonable, like, say, nine twelve.

Sorry. i just cant seem to help myself. My brain is freaking out. Two predawn mornings in a row. It doesnt know what to think, how to act. Ill have a talk with it later. Perhaps get it some counseling.

My powers of persuasion are only as strong as the bullshit I have to back it up.- Charley Davidson

In a moment of sheer terror, I realized I couldnt feel my brain. It was there just a minute ago. Maybe I really was dead. Do I look dead to you?

God I loved Sammy. I’d considered marrying him, but his wife got upset when I asked for his hand.

His gaze slid over me like a veil of fire. He could ignite my deepest desires with a single glance. I decided right then and there no more reading romance novels by candelight.