Quotes by Celia Rivenbark

Jehovahs Witness are welcomed into my home...You gotta respect anybody who gets all dressed up in Sunday clothes and goes door-to-door on days so hot their high heels sink a half-inch into the pavement.The trick is to do all the talking yourself. Pretty soon, theyll look at their watches and say, Speaking of end times, wouldja look at what time it is now!

I dont define success by how much money someone makes. I dont define success by how many trophies or plaques or awards someone has.I dont define it by membership in exclusive clubs or the ability to name-drop about someones famous friends.I dont define it by how many luxury cars or opulent homes someone might own or how many sumptuous vacations they might taken in exotic locales all over the

Never marry something until youve established the perfect pizza ratio...The premise is simple. My husband and I knew we were made for each other because were a 6:2 ratio, six slices for him and two for me...Never marry a man who wants two slices one week and four the next. Theyre undependable and highly unpredictable and will likely dump you for some Internet honey who says she doesnt mind his back hair.

She suggested we crouch buck nekkid on the bed or a dresser and leap out at him from the shadows.Now, my husband cant see all that well in the dark. I think if he comes into a darkened bedroom and finds 140 pounds of cellulite hurtling through space at him, hes going to run like the devil.

Who can fail to mist at Fergies anthem, My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps. Hmmm. My lunch, my lunch, I swear its coming up.

I really loathe [the bumper sticker] Proud Parent of a Terrific Kid!Why not a bumper sticker for the unlucky parents, something like: My Fifteen-Year-Olds in Detox and Not Speaking to Any of Us or My Kid Robbed a 7-Eleven and is in a Center for Youthful Offenders.

Im fairly certain that, at this very minute, the [Mars Polar Lander] is floating somewhere around the Neptune feeling tired and cranky and looking for a Holiday Inn.Of course, youd have to have a heart of titanium not to feel a twinge of sadness while watching those dejected NASA scientiest waiting by the phone like the class wallflower on prom week.On the other hand, it was kind of fun to watch a bunch of men waiting by the phone and seeing how they feel when someone promises theyll call and then YOU NEVER HEAR FROM HIM AGAIN.

Never invite someone who is speaking a foreign language in your presence to Go back to your country. The only time that phrase is every acceptable is if you are British and you are speaking to Madonna.

Pecans are not cheap, my hons. In fact, in the South, the street value of shelled pecans just before holiday baking season is roughly that of crack cocaine. Do not confuse the two. It is almost impossible to make a decent crack cocaine tassie, I am told.

My friends scoffed at my anxiety and said dumb things like, Fifty is the new forty! Which just made me realize that there are a whole lot of other people who suck at math as bad as I do. No. Fifty is fifty.

[Reverend James] Dobson says that the [Spongebob Squarepants] video would be watched by millions of elementary school students and includes a reference to being tolerant of differences. The nerve! Who does Spongebob think he is? Jesus Christ? Tolerance will not be, uh, tolerated. Oh, and tolerance is quite possibly closesly connected to gay-ance.

Okay, lets see if I got this straight. The butt is the new breast, and the lower back is the new ankle. Now if only we could figure out where the brain has moved.