Quotes by Carl Hiaasen

The classroom fell quiet, a long heavy silence that roared in Roys ears like a train.

As far as Im concerned, the gator that ate T.C. deserves a medal from Crime Stoppers.

Just because something was legal didnt automatically make it right.

My fathers a large man, very strong, but he says fighting is for people who cant win with their brains. He also says there are times when youve got no choice but to defend yourself from common morons.

Thats the thing about being a Labrador retriever - you were born for fun. Seldom was your loopy, freewheeling mind cluttered by contemplation, and never at all by somber worry; every day was a romp. What else could there possibly be to life? Eating was a thrill. Pissing was a treat. Shitting was a joy. And licking your own balls? Bliss. And everywhere you went were gullible humans who patted and hugged and fussed over you.

Actually it was the mark of the stupid, which is what you get for sitting under a tree during a thunderstorm.

He paused and manufactured a chuckle.

To me, the newspaper business was a way to learn about life and how things worked in the real world and how people spoke. You learn all the skills - you learn to listen, you learn to take notes - everything you use later as a novelist was valuable training in the newspaper world. But I always wanted to write novels.

Humor can be an incredible, lacerating and effective weapon.

My books are shelved in different places, depending on the bookstore. Sometimes they can be found in the Mystery section, sometimes in the Humor department, and occasionally even in the Literature aisle, which is somewhat astounding.

Humor can be an incredible lacerating and effective weapon. And that is the way I use it.

One problem with age is that patience begins to ebb.

Nobody with an IQ higher than emergency-room temperature could ever believe that death panels would be appointed to nudge the elderly toward euthanasia. Yet for idle entertainment, its hard to beat Sarah Palins ignorant nattering on the subject.

I never laugh or smile when I am writing. When I come home for lunch after writing all morning, my wife says I look like I just came home from a funeral. This is not bragging. This is an illness.

You can do the best research and be making the strongest intellectual argument, but if readers dont get past the third paragraph youve wasted your energy and valuable ink.

Heres my rule: You always want to pay cash for your own books, because if they look at the name on the credit card and then they look at the name on the book jacket, then theres this look of such profound sympathy for you that you had to resort to this. It really is withering.

Ive always enjoyed making people laugh. But in order for me to be funny, I have to get ticked off about something.

Good satire comes from anger. It comes from a sense of injustice, that there are wrongs in the world that need to be fixed. And what better place to get that well of venom and outrage boiling than a newsroom, because youre on the front lines.

My humour has always come from anger, but I have to make sure I dont just get angry and jump on a soapbox.