Quotes by Brian Regan

“You see weird things driving... Ive never understood log trucks, sometimes youll be out on the highway, you see two big giant trucks loaded up with logs, and they pass eachother on the highway... I dont understand it. I mean, if they need logs over there... and they need em over there, youd think a phone call would save em a whole lot of trouble.”

“I saw this sign posted once, it said, blasting zone ahead. Wow... shouldnt that read: Road Closed. What do you mean theres a blasting zone, what am I supposed to do, Hey-- ah, you might wanna buckle up, blasting zone coming up. Yeah. Just saw the sign. Put the helmets on back there! Yeah I think were-- (Pow!)-- Oh! Were getting close! (Pow!)-- Oh! This is gonna be a bad blasting zone! Remember that last one--we lost Billy?”

“I am willing to commit espionage against the United States by providing your country with highly classified information.”

“The owner tends to source these things separately,”

“Weve automated the reporting of that piece.”

“A small business doesnt have an HR director, usually,”

“A small business doesnt have an HR director, usually.”

That’s why I admired that kid who spelled it wrong on purpose so he could sit down. He knew he wasn’t going to win, so why stand there for 3 hours. First round. “Cat, K-A-T, I’m outta here.” Then as he passed you, “Ha! I know there’s 2 T’s.

It’s good to be here. I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well.

We needed a refrigerator for our new place and Ive never bought a refrigerator my whole life. I went into the appliance store, theres like 900 of em lined up, theres a salesman there. Whats this guy supposed to say about refrigerators? Well you got this refrigerator here, This keeps all your food cold for 600...Youve got this refrigerator, This keeps all your food cold for 800...Check this out, 1400, keeps all your food cold.

so, what are you in for? MANSLAUGHTER!!! I SLAUGHTERED A MAN!! JUST LIKE A PIG!!! PUT HIM ON A SPIT AND PUT AN APPLE IN HIS MOUTH!!!!

is there any I could get a glass of water?[waiter]There is no way... I toss and turn many a night trying to think up some way some how I could get glasses of water to costomers but I keep coming up empty..... Legend has it there was a waiter here many years ago... who had figured out a way to do just that but he is long gone and with him the secret. It had something to do with a glass rack and a faucet but no one has been able to put the pieces together so I must say no there is no way. HOW I WISH THERE WAS A WAY!!!