Quotes by Aziz Ansari

In todays romantic climate, many people are plagued by what we will call the upgrade problem. Singles constantly wonder whether there is a better match, an upgrade.

The interesting thing about text is that, as a medium, it separates you from the person you are speaking with, so you can act differently from how you would in person or even on the phone.

The good-enough marriage is definitely not good enough for todays singles. Were not content to marry someone who happens to live down the street and gets along okay with our parents.

So love goes from feeling like I’m doing cocaine to feeling how I feel about my uncle? I don’t want to make companionate love sound like a bummer. It is love, just less intense and more stable. There is still passion, but it’s balanced with trust, stability, and an understanding of each other’s flaws.

You get all these different cuts of meat cooking at once he said. Youve got your sausage, which cooks fast. Youve got your big steak, which is your best cut, which takes some time, right? You got to talk to all these girls at once just like you take care of all that meat at onceAfter he made this analogy, I presented Ajay with a trophy that said Most Sexist Food Analogy of All Time: Meat and BBQ division.

If you were in a bar, would you ever go up to a guy or girl and repeat the word hey without getting a response? Would you ever go up to a woman you met two minutes ago and beg her to show you one of your boobs? And do you really want to bone someone who responds to this?

In recent years behavioral scientists have shed some light on why these waiting techniques can be powerful. Let’s first look at the notion that texting back right away makes you less appealing. Psychologists have conducted hundreds of studies in which they reward lab animals in different ways under different conditions. One of the most intriguing findings is that “reward uncertainty”—in which, for instance, animals cannot predict whether pushing a lever will get them food—can dramatically increase their interest in getting a reward, while also enhancing their dopamine levels so that they basically feel coked up.If a text back from someone is considered a “reward,” consider the fact that lab animals who get rewarded for pushing a lever every time will eventually slow down because they know that the next time they want a reward, it will be waiting for them. So basically, if you are the guy or girl who texts back immediately, you are taken for granted and ultimately lower your value as a reward. As a result, the person doesn’t feel as much of an urge to text you or, in the case of the lab animal, push the lever.

One girl raved about a nice voicemail a guy had recently left her. I kindly requested she play it and heard this gem: Hey, Lydia. Its Sam. Just calling to say whats up. Gimme a ring when you get a chance.THAT WAS IT.I pleaded to know what was so great about this. She sweetly recalled that he remembered my name, he said hi, and he told me to call him back.Never mind the fact that what she described was the content of LITERALLY EVERY VOICE MAIL IN HISTORY. Name, hello, please call back. Not really a boatload of charm on display. To fail this test, a guy would have to leave a message that said: No greeting. This is man. I dont remember you. End communication.

Thats the thing about the internet: it doesnt simply help us find the best thing out there; it has helped to produce the idea that there is a best thing, and, if we search hard enough, we can find it.

Do It Under the Influence Yourself! Thats what were shooting for! Get drunk and make your dreams come true.

Every time Ive done comedy in, like, traditional comedy clubs, theres always these comedians that do really well with audiences but that the other comedians hate because theyre just, you know, doing kind of cheap stuff like dancing around or doing, like, very kind of base sex humor a lot, and stuff like that.