Quotes by Andy Borowitz

“After Sept. 11, I didnt write a piece for a couple of days because I thought people wouldnt want me to be funny. This time, it was so obvious what could be written, and Ill continue to write it. I can usually gauge reader response from the number of people who cancel on my e-mail list, and theres been no major withdrawal.”

“Army Offers to Pay Recruits in Gasoline.”

“At the Pentagon, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said that the decision to pay recruits in gasoline, while unorthodox, was a slam-dunk solution to the Armys nagging shortfalls in enlistment.”

“I wanted to get away from big, expensive network projects, ... so I moved to New York and I did nothing. And then I discovered the Internet. I didnt think of it as a moneymaker -- I wrote stuff I thought my friends would find funny.”

“I feel like Cal Ripken or something, ... This insanity is all self-imposed.”

“I think the reason that satire is on the rise is because the real news is so bad right now, ... Id love it if we lived in a world where there was nothing to satire, but given this world, people need satire and comedy right now. ... [Humor] enables us to look at the horrible things going on and survive [them].”

“I am resigning effective immediately. Bo Derek will become the new vice president.”

“Britney is one of our great comedians. She has been hilarious,”

“Who Moved My Soap? The CEOs Guide to Surviving Prison,”

“Get over yourselves with the coffee. You know, we all have it. Its like being famous for mustard or gum.”