Quotes by Amy Schumer

Isnt it funny that they say most girls have daddy issues, when really, every dude does?

Women are always expected to be the gracious hostess, quick with an anecdote and a sprinkling of laughter at others stories. We are always the ones who have to smooth over all the awkward moments in life with soul-crushing pleasantries. We are basically unpaid geishas. But when we do not fulfill this expectation ( because we are introverted ) people asume we must be either depressed or a cunt.

I am a woman with thoughts and questions and shit to say. I say if Im beautiful. I say if Im strong. You will not determine my story — I will.

Sometimes I want to quit - not performing, but being a woman altogether. I want to throw my hands in the air after reading a mean Twitter comment and say, All right, you got me. You figured me out. Im not pretty. Im not thin. I dont deserve love. I have no right to use my voice. I will start wearing a burka and move to a small town upstate and wait tables at a pancake house.So much has changed about me since I was that confident, happy girl in high school. In the years since then, Ive experienced a lot of desperation and self-doubt, but in a way, Ive come full circle. I know my worth. I embrace my power. I say if Im beautiful. I say if Im strong. You will not determine my story. I will. Ill speak and share and fuck and love, and I will never apologise for it. I am amazing for you, not because of you. I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you.

I got out of the shower and stopped to look at myself in the mirror. I looked blotchy and messy and not at all like those girls in magazines. But I was still fucking beautiful. Im a real woman who digests her meals and breaks out and has sweet little pockets of cellulite on her upper thighs that shes not apologising for. Because guess what? we all have that shit. Were all human beings.

I am a woman with thoughts and questions and shit to say. I say if Im beautiful. I say if Im strong. You will not determine my story — I will. I will speak and share and fuck and love, and I will never apologize to the frightened millions who resent that they never had it in them to do it. I stand here and I am amazing, for you. Not because of you. I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. (2014 Gloria Awards and Gala)

... and left decimated. Not for myself, but for all the single women out there trying to date. I wanted to run to the top of the Empire State Building and make an announcement to all of them to let them know they are worth so much more than this. That they dont need to wrangle some warm body to sit next to them just so they arent alone on holidays. That they should never let a magazine or dating site or matchmaker monster tell them theyre in a lower bracket of desirability because of their age or weight or face or sense of humor.

I think for anyone to become good at something, they have to fail a lot too. And they have to be completely unafraid to fail or theyll never make it to the next level.

Love yourself! You don’t need a man or a boy or a self-proclaimed love expert to tell you what you’re worth. Your power comes from who you are and what you do! You dont need all that noise, that constant hum in the background telling you whether or not youre good enough. All you need is you, your friends, and your family. And you will find the right person for you, if thats what you want - the one who respects your strength and beauty.

Love yourself. You don’t need a man, or a boy, or a self-proclaimed love expert to tell you what you’re worth. Your power comes from who you are and what you do. You don’t need all that noise – that constant hum in the background telling you whether or not you’re good enough.

I know my worth. I embrace my power. I say if I’m beautiful. I say if I’m strong. You will not determine my story. I will. Ill speak and share and fuck and love, and I will never apologise for it. I am amazing for you, not because of you. I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you.

One of the comics said he thought I was talented but wouldnt ever make it as a stand-up. It hurt. Looking back now, I can see clearly how experienced comics get bitter. Its a tough business, and often things dont work out the way you think they will. But rage and jealousy comics can feel for others success is a highly toxic waste of time.

The saddest realization I’ve had in my life is that my parents are people. Sad, human people. I aged a decade in that moment.

Dont be afraid to excuse yourself. Recharge for as long as you need. Lean up against a tree and take a break from the other bears. Ill be there too, but I promise not to bother you.

Like literally, the final moments of life come to mind when I begin to love someone. I think, Will this dude push my wheelchair? And even scarier, Would I be willing to push his?

“I think for anyone to become good at something, they have to fail a lot too. And they have to be completely unafraid to fail or theyll never make it to the next level.”