Quotes by Adam Carolla

“What happens is [censors] say you can do the joke, but what theyre going to do is take your beautiful broth and dump a pillowcase full of flour into it, ... Then, they say you can still have your broth, but its not so good anymore, and ultimately its the people who get the crappy soup because theyre worried about the one guy who is allergic to it and not the rest of us.”

“I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was Ill never get to do that.”

“right now, I hope its later rather than sooner.”

“The Aston Martin is a beautiful car. Its a work of art, ... I love the interior and the style of the car.”

“Everyone keeps saying, Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating. Its like saying, How could you date Jennifer Aniston after shes been with Brad Pitt ? I dont care.”

“The Gods honest truth is that Im probably funnier, but hes smarter. Heres the thing about Stern -- hes really a smart guy. Hes nutty. Hes outrageous. Hes all those things, but hes also a very smart guy.”

“He has a great sense of humor -- but its in his assembly. Its really his craftsmanship that people overlook. Its not being fair to him just calling him outrageous.”

“Maybe its weird, but I dont feel in any way, shape or form that Im taking over his show.”

“Its hard to say when it will start, ... Im not being evasive; I really have no idea. Right now, I hope its later rather than sooner.”

“Theres no math equation that equals ratings or demographics or even (takes into consideration) The Man Show. What the (bleep) is The Man Show audience? You either go up there and connect, or you go up there and you dont connect,”

My feeling is this whole country is founded on the principle of if you are not hurting anyone, and youre not fucking with someone elses shit, and you are paying your taxes, you should be able to just do what you want to do. Its the freedom and the independence.

One of the classier features of this home was the padded toilet seat. It was high-mileage puffy brown vinyl-colored foam and made that weird sigh when you sat down on it. Im not a germaphobe or anything like that, but it is weird to think about all the ass time this seat had seen before we moved in. This is a horrible invention. Whats the plan? You want to create a toilet seat so comfortable that you can fall asleep while youre taking a shit? Youre going to show up late for work or end up like Elvis.

You can be an expert on anything if you just use logic.

If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and youll have a good life.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, Im just gonna tell her, Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because theyll have to hire you, they cant really fire you, and you dont have to produce that much. Itll be awesome.

When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldnt imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If Im gone for six days it feels like too much.

In my early 20s I was so miserable doing construction, I wanted something that paid money. I liked nice stuff. I liked cars and architecture, and things that cost money. I wanted to not swing a hammer, and make money... and not do stuff that was dirty. I attempted to get into comedy. I started to do stand-up, but I wasnt very good at it.

Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff.

I dont think healthcares a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work, and then purchase health insurance, or whatever it is.

Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.