Quotes by P.G. Wodehouse

The voice of a donkey braying in the neighbouring meadow seemed like the mocking laughter of demons.

You cant go by what a girl says, when shes giving you the devil for making a chump of yourself. Its like Shakespeare. Sounds well, but doesnt mean anything.

As Shakespeare says, if youre going to do a thing you might as well pop right at it and get it over.

Luck is a goddess not to be coerced and forcibly wooed by those who seek her favours. From such masterful spirits she turns away. But it happens sometimes that, if we put our hand in hers with the humble trust of a little child, she will have pity on us, and not fail us in our hour of need.

Feminine psychology is admittedly odd, sir. The poet Pope...Never mind about the poet Pope, Jeeves.No, sir.There are times when one wants to hear all about the poet Pope and times when one doesnt.Very true, sir.

Employers are like horses — they require management.

Girls do go for the finely-chiselled. And apart from his looks, hes and artist, and theres something about artists that seems to act on the other sex like catnip on cats.

I have been studying the principles of socialism deeply of late, and I came to the conclusion that I must join the cause. It looked good to me. You work for the equal distribution of property and start in by swiping all you can and sitting on it. Ah, noble scheme! Me for it!

You wont mind my calling you Comrade, will you? Ive just become a socialist. Its a great scheme. You ought to be one. You work for the equal distribution of property, and start by collaring all you can and sitting on it.

The snag in this business of falling in love, aged relative, is that the parties of the first part so often get mixed up with the wrong parties of the second part, robbed of their cooler judgement by the party of the second parts glamour. Put it like this: the male sex is divided into rabbits and non-rabbits and the female sex into dashers and dormice, and the trouble is that the male rabbit has a way of getting attracted by the female dasher (who would be fine for the non-rabbit) and realizing too late that he ought to have been concentrating on some mild, gentle dormouse with whom he could settle down peacefully and nibble lettuce.

The storm is over, there is sunlight in my heart. I have a glass of wine and sit thinking of what has passed.

It was my Uncle George who discovered alcohol was a food well in advance of modern medical thought.

Im bound to say that New Yorks a topping place to be exiled in. Everybody was awfully good to me, and there seemed to be plenty of things going on, and Im a wealthy bird, so everything was fine.

It went automatically to a heavy-weight mother with beetling eyebrows who looked as if she had just come from doing a spot of knitting at the foot of the guillotine.

Have you ever seen a man, woman, or child who wasn’t eating an egg or just going to eat an egg or just coming away from eating an egg? I tell you, the good old egg is the foundation of daily life. Stop the first man you meet in the street and ask him which he’d sooner lose, his egg or his wife, and see what he says!

Im not absolutely certain of my facts, but I rather fancy its Shakespeare -- or, if not, its some equally brainy lad -- who says that its always just when a chappie is feeling particularly top-hole, and more than usually braced with things in general that Fate sneaks up behind him with a bit of lead piping.

...there occurred to me the simple epitaph which, when I am no more, I intend to have inscribed on my tombstone. It was this:He was a man who acted from the best motives. There is one born every minute.

The brains of members of the Press departments of motion-picture studios resemble soup at a cheap restaurant. It is wiser not to stir them.

The cells smell is a great feature of French prisons. Ours in No.44 was one of those fine broad-shouldered up and coming young smells, which stand on both feet and look the world in the eye. We became very fond and proud of it.

What George was thinking was that the late king Herod had been unjustly blamed for a policy which had been both statesmanlike and in the interests of the public. He was blaming the mawkish sentimentality of the modern legal system which ranks the evisceration and secret burial of small boys as a crime.