Quotes by Kaui Hart Hemmings

Thats how you know you love someone, I guess, when you cant experience anything without wishing the other person were there to see it, too.

Why is it so hard to articulate love yet so easy to express disappointment?

Ill never be ready. Yet at the same time, you always want to reach the end. You cant fly to a destination and linger in the air. I want to reach the end of this thing, and I feel terrible about it.

A sea of red lights, and I slow down. My job now is to gather everyone together and tell them we have to let her go. I wont tell anyone over the phone, because I didnt like hearing the news from the doctor that way. I have maybe a week to handle the arrangements, as the doctor said, but the arrangements are overwhelming. How do I learn how to run a family? How do I say goodbye to someone I love so much that Ive forgotten just how much I love her?

You cant compare and rank heartache. Pain is pain is pain. There is no precise measurement. No quarter cup.

I think grief and fear are going to come to him suddenly. Theyll be undiluted and words wont work. Were all going to get hit and wont know how to hit back. I wish I knew the answers, how to help myself and the people who will hurt all around me.

I picture Cully tromping through that high, deep snow. Thats how I feel physically from all of this. Moving through grief like its a thick drift, exhausting but enlivening. It makes your muscles ache. It makes you feel youve inhabited your body completely.

I like the way men cry. Theyre efficient.

We continue to eat, the conversation easy and flowing. I listen to everything everyone says, an urgency to pay attention, to not miss these moments you dont know are moments until theyre gone. I narrow in, trying to hold it all in place, even though I think that if you document life this way, the moments will never set. We dont need to remember. Everything just becomes a part of you. And then its over.

Perhaps I did nothing because I dont have enough fear to be a good parent.

I tell Esther she should ease up on lard. Theres no need to mix lard in with Scotties rice, chicken, and beans. I tell her she hasnt read the blogs. Ive read the blogs. I know what Scottie should eat.

My God,” she says. “I feel like I’ve gone through a car wash.”I laugh, or force myself to, because it’s not something I’d normally laugh at.“What about you?” she says to Scottie. “How did you make out?”“I’m a boy,” Scottie says. “Look at me.”Sand has gotten into the bottom of her suit, creating a huge bulge. She scratches at the bulge. “I’m going to go to work now,” she says. I think she’s impersonating me and that Mrs. Speer is getting an unrealistic, humiliating glimpse.“Scottie,” I say. “Take that out.”“It must be fun to have girls,” Mrs. Speer says.She looks at the ocean, and I see that she’s looking at Alex sunbathing on the floating raft. Sid leans over Alex and puts his mouth to hers. She raises a hand to his head, and for a moment I forget it’s my daughter out there and think of how long it has been since I’ve been kissed or kissed like that.“Or maybe you have your hands full,” Mrs. Speer says.“No, no,” I say. “It’s great,” and it is, I suppose, though I feel like I’ve just acquired them and don’t know yet. “They’ve been together for ages.” I gesture to Alex and Sid. I don’t understand if they’re a couple or if this is how all kids in high school act these days.Mrs. Speer looks at me curiously, as if she’s about to say something, but she doesn’t.“And boys.” I gesture to her little dorks. “They must keep you busy.”“They’re a handful. But they’re at such a fun age. It’s such a joy.”She gazes out at her boys. Her expression does little to convince me that they’re such a joy. I wonder how many times parents have these dull conversations with one another and how much they must hide. They’re so goddamn hyper, I’d do anything to inject them with a horse tranquilizer. They keep insisting that I watch what they can do, but I truly don’t give a fuck. How hard is it to jump off a diving board?My girls are messed up, I want to say. One talks dirty to her own reflection. Did you do that when you were growing up?“Your girls seem great, too,” she says. “How old are they?”“Ten and eighteen. And yours?”“Ten and twelve.”“Oh,” I say. “Great.”“Your younger one sure is funny,” she says. “I mean, not funny. I meant entertaining.”“Oh, yeah. That’s Scottie. She’s a riot.

Do you guys have sunscreen?” I ask.“No,” Scottie says. “Do we have water?”“Did you bring any?” Alex asks.“No,” I say.Alex pops her head up. “Did you bring snacks for us?”“We can walk to town.”How do mothers manage to bring everything a child could need?

I had to ask Scottie what TYVM meant, because now that I’ve narrowed into her activities, I notice she is constantly text-messaging her friends, or at least I hope it’s her friends and not some perv in a bathrobe.“Thank you very much,” Scottie said, and for some reason, the fact that I didn’t get this made me feel completely besieged. It’s crazy how much fathers are supposed to know these days. I come from the school of thought where a dad’s absence is something to be counted on. Now I see all the men with camouflage diaper bags and babies hanging from their chests like little ship figureheads. When I was a young dad, I remember the girls sort of bothered me as babies, the way everyone raced around to accommodate them. The sight of Alex in her stroller would irritate me at times—she’d hang one of her toddler legs over the rim of the safety bar and slouch down in the seat. Joanie would bring her something and she’d shake her head, then Joanie would try again and again until an offering happened to work and Alex would snatch it from her hands. I’d look at Alex, finally complacent with her snack, convinced there was a grown person in there, fooling us all. Scottie would just point to things and grunt or scream. It felt like I was living with royalty. I told Joanie I’d wait until they were older to really get into them, and they grew and grew behind my back.

We walk until there arent more houses, all the way to the part of the beach where the current makes the waves come in then rush back out so that the two waves clash, water casting up like a geyser. We watch that for a while and then Scottie says, I wish Mom was here. Im thinking the exact same thought. Thats how you know you love someone, I guess, when you cant experience anything without wishing the other person were there to see it, too. Every day I kept track of anecdotes, occurrences, and gossip, bullet-pointing the news in my head and even rehearsing my stories before telling them to Joanie in bed at night.

Im sorry, I say. I didnt give you everything you wanted. I wasnt everything you wanted. You were everything I wanted.

Im sorry, I say. I didnt give you everything you wanted. I wasnt everything you wanted. You were everything I wanted.

Say goodbye to your mom.”Scottie pauses, then keeps going.“Scottie.”“Bye!” she yells.I grab her arm. I could yell at her for wanting to leave, but I don’t. She pulls her arm out of my grasp. I look up to see if anyone is watching us, because I don’t think you’re supposed to aggressively hold children these days. Gone are the days of spanking, threats, and sugar. Now there are therapy, antidepressants, and Splenda.

I drift off for a while. I dont know how long, but when I open my eyes, the Oscars are still on and Alex tells me that Sid has gone and this makes me a little sad. Whatever the four of us had is over. He is my daughters boyfriend now, and I am a father. A widower. No pot, no cigarettes, no sleeping over. Theyll have to find inventive ways to conduct their business, most likely in uncomfortable places, just like the rest of them. I let him and my old ways go. We all let him go, as well as who we were before this, and now its really just the three of us. I glance over at the girls, taking a good look at whats left.

I lean down so that my face is right in front of hers and whisper, ‘He doesn’t love you. I love you.