Quotes by John Oliver

“The creditors have made their decision, despite what we regard as a very competitive offer.”

“We dont comment on rumors or speculation.”

“They had just built the [air] shaft and they were removing the supports and everything. There was a door that they had to cut open, and they believe thats where the explosion occurred.”

“Gotta have gas. Cant work without it. Cant live without it.”

“Were very comfortable with our position here. Were comfortable with the secured assets that underlie those assets.”

“Some of my students have gone off to be involved in these space missions. They work on it for four or five years, then wait four or five years more for it to come back. Its so exciting if it works, and so disappointing if it doesnt.”

“If were all going to count on universal service at reasonable rates, the Postal Service has to change with the times.”

“Full throttle -- like something was wrong and he was trying to get out of here quick. He came out in reverse, barreled across the street and curbs and came up through the yard like he is now. (He) started spinning his tires. A whole bunch of smoke and then the tires caught fire.”

“There is zero public support for this.”

“Any time a particular attraction like Splash Lagoon attracts visitors, its not just Splash Lagoon that benefits. Its the entire region.”

It is going to be too easy for things to start feeling normal—especially if you are someone who is not directly impacted by his actions. So keep reminding yourself:This is not normal.Write it on a Post-It note and stick it on your refrigerator, hire a skywriter once a month, tattoo it on your ass.Because a Klan-backed misogynist internet troll is going to be delivering the next State of the Union address.And that is not normal.It is fucked up.

The German language is so sonorous, isnt it? Beautiful language...the language of poetry. Angry, angry poetry.

Democracy is like a tamborine - not everyone can be trusted with it.

Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then proceed to beat nest to a pulp with a baseball bat until the stripey little turd has learned its lesson.

I get nostalgic for British negativity. There is an inherent hope and positive drive to New Yorkers. When you go back to Britain, everybody is just running everything down. Its like whatever the opposite of a hug is.

There is an inherent hope and positive drive to New Yorkers.

People, I guess, generally come to see me do stand-up with a working knowledge of my broad sense of humor on The Daily Show... I dont think anyone would mistake me as an actual anchor.

If you work on a comedy show, your basic form of communication is teasing. Thats generally how we speak to each other: you communicate the information between the lines of insulting sentences.

Its a great time to be doing political satire when the world is on a knife edge.

Politics has become infused with narcissism in America.