Quotes by John Green

They love their hair because theyre not smart enough to love something more interesting.

Its not because I want to make out with her.Hold on. He grabbed a pencil and scrawled excitedly at the paper as if hed just made a mathematical breakthrough and then looked back up at me. I just did some calculations, and Ive been able to determine that youre full of shit

Harry Potter isn’t real? Oh no! Wait, wait, what do you mean by real? Is this video blog real? Am I real if you can see me and hear me, but only through the internet? Are you real if I can read your comment but I don’t know who you are or what your name is or where you’re from or what you look like or how old you are? I know all of those things about Harry Potter. Maybe Harry Potter’s real and you’re not.

Shes cute, I thought, but you dont need to like a girl who treats you like youre ten: Youve already got a mom.

We were kissing.I thought: This is good.I thought: I am not bad at this kissing. Not bad at all.I thought: I am clearly the greatest kisser in the history of the universe.Suddenly she laughed and pulled away from me. She wiggled a hand out of her sleeping bag and wiped her face. You slobbered on my nose, she said, and laughed

There are times when it is appropriate, even preferable, to get an erection when someones face is in close proximity to your penis.This was not one of those times.

You will not kill my girlfriend today, International Terrorists of Ambiguous Nationality!

He flipped himself onto his side and kissed me. Youre so hot, I said, my hand still on his leg. Im starting to think you have an amputee fetish, he answered, still kissing me. I laughed.I have an Augustus Waters fetish, I explained.

I wish I knew how to quit you, Tumblr.

I cant go to Amsterdam. One of my doctors thinks its a bad idea.He was quiet for a second. God, he said. I shouldve just paid for it myself. Shouldve just taken you straight from the Funky Bones to Amsterdam.But then I wouldve had a probably fatal episode of deoxygenation in Amsterdam, and my body would have been shipped home in the cargo hold of an airplane, I said. Well, yeah, he said. But before that, my grand romantic gesture would have totally gotten me laid.I laughed pretty hard, hard enought that I felt where the chest tube had been. You laugh because its true, he said.I laughed again.Its true, isnt it! Probably not, I said, and then after a moment added, although you never know.

He’s not that smart.”“She’s right,” Augustus says. “It’s just that most really good-looking people are stupid, so I exceed expectations.”“Right, it’s primarily his hotness.”“It can be sort of blinding,” he said.“It actually did blind our friend Isaac.”“Terrible tragedy, that. But can I help my own deadly beauty?”“You cannot.”“It is my burden, this beautiful face.”“Not to mention your body.”“Seriously, don’t even get me started on my hot bod. You don’t want to see me naked, Dave. Seeing me naked actually took Hazel Grace’s breath away,” he said, nodding toward the oxygen tank.

Nerd life is just so much better than regular life.

pg. 231-232: Theyd given me a minivan. They could have picked any car and they picked a minivan. A minivan. O God of the Vehicular Justice, why dost thou mock me? Minivan, you albatross around my neck! You mark of Cain! You wretched beast high ceilings and few horsepower!

You were with Margo Roth Spiegelman last night? At THREE A.M.? I nodded. Alone? I nodded. Oh my God, if you hooked up with her, you have to tell me every single thing that happened. You have to write me a term paper on the look and feel of Margo Roth Spiegelmans breasts. Thrity pages, minimum! I want you to do a photo-realistic pencil drawing. A sculpture would also be acceptable. I was wondering if it would be possible for you to write a sestina about Margo Roth Spiegelmans breasts? Your six words are: pink, round, firmness, succulent, supple, and pillowy. Personally, I think at least one of the words should be buhbuhbuhbuh.

Was it animal pee or human pee? Someone asked.How would I know? What, am I an expert in the study of pee?

No headboards were broken.

Daddy is trying really fugging hard to think of a not-terrifying reason why youd wake Daddy up in the middle of the night to ask that fugging question. But no. No. Daddy does not have a match or a lighter.

Cover me! Augustus said as he jumped out from behind the wall and raced toward the school. Isaac fumbled for his controller and thenstarted firing while the bullets rained down on Augustus, who was shot once and then twice but still ran, Augustus shouting,YOU CAN’T KILL MAX MAYHEM! and with a final flurry of button combinations, he dove onto the grenade, which detonated beneath him. His dismembered body exploded like a geyser and the screen went red. A throaty voice said, MISSION FAILURE, but Augustus seemed to think otherwise as he smiled at his remnants on the screen. He reached into his pocket, pulled out a cigarette, and shoved it between his teeth.Saved the kids he said.Temporarily I pointed out.All salvation is temporary Augustus shot back. I bought them a minute. Maybe that’s the minute that buys them an hour, which is the hour that buys them a year. No one’s gonna buy them forever, Hazel Grace, but my life bought them a minute. And that’s not nothing.

Im telling you, Augustus Waters talked so much that hed interrupt you at his own funeral.

Well, Ben went on,someone should just tell her to come on home, because she can find the worlds largest balls right here in Orlando, Florida. Theyre located in a special display case known as my scrotum. Radar laughed, and Ben continued. I mean seriously. My balls are so big that when you order french fries from McDonalds, you can choose one of four sizes: small, medium,large, and my balls.