Quotes by Jenny Lawson

Which sort of shows why my body is an idiot, because forced narcolepsy is pretty much the worst defense ever.

It’s been my experience that people always assume that generalized anxiety disorder is preferable to social anxiety disorder, because it sounds more vague and unthreatening, but those people are totally wrong. For me, having generalized anxiety disorder is basically like having all of the other anxiety disorders smooshed into one. Even the ones that aren’t recognized by modern science. Things like birds-will-probably-smother-me-in-my-sleep anxiety disorder and I-keep-crackers-in-my-pocket-in-case-I-get-trapped-in-an-elevator anxiety disorder. Basically I’m just generally anxious about f***ing everything. In fact, I suspect that’s how they came up with the name.

Still, everyone at the party tried it because no one wants to admit that gazpacho tastes like partially melted tomato ice cream. The problem was that by the time they swallowed their spoonful of soupsicle the waiter was gone, causing all of them to stand in their elegant attire while awkwardly holding a dirty spoon like a terrible, unwanted accessory. Some people laid their empty spoons on windowsills or on the ground when they though no one was looking, but most just looked with quiet desperation for a waiter who might never return and were forced to hold the spoons at their sides, seemingly pretending that the spoons were cigarettes or small fancy dogs. I saw one woman look around expectantly for a minute and when she realized no one was coming back for the spoon she just shrugged and tossed it in the pool. It seemed slightly bitchy, but you have to respect that level of I-have-no-fucks-left-to-give-about-silverware-that-doesnt-even-belong-to-me. With that one spoon drop she told everyone at the party, If you arent going to take care of your shit them Im sure as hell not going to take responsibility for it.

Really, the only people you should be comparing yourself to would be people who make you feel better by comparison. For instance, people who are in comas, because those people have no spoons at all and you dont see anyone judging them. Personally, I always compare myself to Galileo because everyone knows hes fantastic, but he has no spoons at all because hes dead. So technically Im better than Galileo because all Ive done is take a shower and already Ive accomplished more than him today.

[I have] occasional depersonalization disorder, (which makes me feel utterly detached from reality, but in less of a this LSD is awesome kind of way and more of a I wonder what my face is doing right now and it sure would be nice to feel emotions again sort of thing).

It was nice to call my parents and proudly tell them, My lady garden is going viral. In hindsight, that may have been a poor choice of phrasing.

Were better than Galileo. Because hes dead.

That night I looked up at those same stars, but I didnt want any of those things. I didnt want Egypt, or France, or far-flung destinations. I just wanted to go back to my life from my childhood, just to visit it, and touch it, and to convince myself that yes, it had been real.

Australia is filled with roundabouts and everyone drives on the wrong side of the road. In the end we decided to split up the work and I feverishly watched the GPS and yelled, Left! Right! ROUNDABOUT!

Its okay to keep a broken oven in your yard as long as you call it art.

Ive found, though, that people are more likely to share their personal experiences if you go first, so thats why I always keep an eleven-point list of what went wrong in my childhood to share with them. Also I usually crack open a bottle of tequila to share with them, because alcohol makes me less nervous, and also because Im from the South, and in Texas we offer drinks to strangers even when were waiting in line at the liquor store. In Texas we call that _southern hospitality_. The people who own the liquor store call it shoplifting. Probably because theyre Yankees.Im not allowed to go back to that liquor store.

Lady, you have the wrong number. Our cat isnt even in the hospital. He doesnt want pajamas.

Refrigerators are good for keeping homemade moonshine less gross. Freezers are good for keeping rattlesnakes less angry. Garages are good to hide in when your wife finds either.