Quotes by Jeff Kinney

“I was psyched. I never thought Id see this again, I really didnt. They [police] did an awesome job.”

“When the sun came up, I saw it was missing first thing. Its huge, you dont miss it.”

“Its pretty sad. I dont know if its a joke, or in someones house ... dumped in a lake or on the side of the road.”

Ill be famous one day, but for now Im stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons. - Greg Heffley,

There was this book Dad used to read to me every night called The Giving Tree. It was a really good book, but the back of it had a picture of the author, this guy named Shel Silverstein.But Shel Silverstein looks more like a burglar or a pirate than a guy who should be writing books for kids.Dad must have known that picture kind of freaked me out, because one night after I got out of bed, Dad said: IF YOU GET OUT OF BED AGAIN TONIGHT, YOULL PROBABLY RUN INTO SHEL SILVERSTEIN IN THE HALLWAY.That really did the trick, Ever since then, I STILL dont get out of bed at night, even if I really need to use the bathroom.

Monkeys cant talk, stupid!

Zoo-Wee Mama!

Im not really sure what makes a book a classic to begin with, but I think it has to be at least fifty years old and some person or animal has to die at the end.

Greg starts a middle school and asks: Whyis bullies such a big PROBLEM? And sayspeople need to shave twice a day.

Im basically one of the best people I know.

See, thats the problem with putting too much stock in the old days. You remember all the GOOD stuff, but you forget about the time you got spanked by your best friends mom.

I’ve realized is that every time you get something cool for your birthday or for Christmas, within a week it’s being used against you. (Well be taking this away until your English grade improves)

So Ive started wearing sweatpants to bed because I really dont need Santa seeing me in my underwear.

Youre gonna grow up and marry some ice cream! Haha!

I think its important for me to keep my childhood friends so that later on someone can appreciate how far Ive come.

You cant expect everyone to have the same dedication as you.

Whenever you go with the cheaper option, you end up regretting it

When I started writing Diary of a Wimpy Kid, I was trying to write the type of book you might enjoy, put back on your shelf, and rediscover a few years later. I hope that the book finds its way into the bathroom of every kid in America.

I cant divorce myself from my childhood. I try to write as much fiction as I possibly can, but there are so many things that are touchstones of my childhood like being on the swim team and playing soccer and the particularities of sports season and environments that make their way into my books.

On the first day of school, you got to be real careful where you sit. You walk into the classroom and just plunk your stuff down on any old desk, and the next thing you know the teacher is saying, I hope you all like where youre sitting, because these are your permanent seats.