Quotes by Jeff Foxworthy

“If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, youll be going, you know, were alright. We are dang near royalty.”

“[Watching a baby being born] is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.”

“You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly youre not professional any more”

“Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother -- youre not sure what youve got but youre pretty sure youre not going to like it.”

“You may be a redneck if . . . you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.”

“Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?”

“If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.”

“My whole career can be summed up with Ignorance is bliss. When you do not know better, you do not really worry about failing.”

“We dont do that here. We only take urine samples.”

“Now, its true I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones shes been givin me lately.”

The problem with the designated driver program, its not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.

I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead

Were all screwed up. And the way Christians mess things up is we act like weve got it going on. And if we would just stay in that place of, Hey, were all screwed up and but for the grace of God, none of us have a shot here. We need to have a sense of humor about it; thats kind of the way Ive always faced my comedy.

Nothing in life prepares you to be famous.

My father-in-law gets up at 5 oclock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I dont know why theres this big rush to do this.

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, youll be going, you know, were alright. We are dang near royalty.

I say, If everybody in this house lives where its God first, friends and family second and you third, we wont ever have an argument.

For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on lifes list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

Find something in life that you love doing. If you make a lot of money, thats a bonus, and if you dont, you still wont hate going to work.