Quotes by Elayne Boosler

“I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.”

“The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didnt have that rule when Jesus was born.”

“We have women in the military, but they dont put us in the front lines. They dont know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.”

“You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot”

“Ive never been married, but I tell people Im divorced so they wont think somethings wrong with me.”

“Wouldnt it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?”

“Im just a person trapped inside a womans body.”

“My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions”

“Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?”

“To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.”

Im just a person trapped inside a womans body.

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didnt have that rule when Jesus was born.

For a single woman preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times men would not stop to ask directions.

I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. Its not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. Its the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is Delete.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. Its a whole different way of thinking.

I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots.

I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food.

I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other.