Quotes by Demetri Martin

I love women, but I feel like you cant trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dogs name. Then I said, Does he bite? She said, No. And I said, Oh yeah? Then how does he eat? Liar.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, Looks like youre writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, youll get more money.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said Happy Birthday on it. I didnt want to waste it so I just wrote Jesus on it.

I like to use I Cant Believe its Not Butter on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes youre really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, youre saying: Hope I dont get chased today. Be nice to people in sneakers.

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning Im looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then Im on the right track.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

Id love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work Im proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that.

I like women, but you cant always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dogs name and then I asked, Does he bite? and she said, No. And I said, So how does he eat? Liar!

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle thats 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says go outside.

If you cant tell a spoon from a ladle, then youre fat!

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

Stand-up is like a row boat: its fun and romantic when youre choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat its not as enjoyable thats survival.

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. Hey, man, what are you playing? Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? Im performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!

I think its interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.