Quotes by Conan O'Brien

“Scientist announced a device that can be placed in a pacemaker and will call your doctor whenever you are having heart trouble. When told about it, Dick Cheney said, I cant afford those kind of phone bills.”

“Baseball said its instituting tougher steriod testing. For the 1st offense, players get a 10-game suspension. For repeat offenses, players will get a batting championship.”

“If you can laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people willthink youre drunk.”

“Theres no cure for getting depressed. Theres no cure for self-loathing or periods of it. But figure out enough about it so that when it happens, you can get over it and keep moving and just accomplish more.”

“Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, Jesus! This cup is expensive!”

When all else fails, theres always delusion.

It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. Its not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound re-invention.

Applaud my idiocy.

All I ask is one thing, and I’m asking this particularly of young people: please don’t be cynical. I hate cynicism, for the record, it’s my least favorite quality and it doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.

A study in the Washington Post says that women havebetter verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.

There is nothing more liberating than having your worst fear realized.

Music and comedy are so linked. The rhythm of comedy is con­nected to the rhythm of music. They’re both about creating tension and knowing when to let it go. I’m always surprised when somebody funny is not musical.

Thirty-five things have to go wrong for the best thing to happen in your career

The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fire fighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheneys friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said Yes.

The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said hed like to help, but hes pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army.

Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says Californias schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me.

Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.

Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and youre kind, amazing things will happen.

President Clinton signed a $10 million deal to write a book by 2003. Isnt that amazing? Yes, and get this, not only that, President Bush signed a $10 million deal to read a book by 2003.

According to a new survey, 40 percent of adults in Mexico say they would move to the United States if they got a chance. The number would have been higher, but the other 60 percent already live here.