Quotes by Conan O'Brien

“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.”

“If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.”

“Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language.”

“Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.”

“Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans.”

“CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, Its not so bad.”

“President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards.”

“Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that its 22 years later, and they still havent lost their virginity.”

“The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said hed like to help, but hes pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army.”

“In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber union.”

“Tom Cruises attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martins attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion.”

“In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didnt have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath.”

“Yesterday American and British troops handed out food to hundreds of Iraqis. Not surprisingly, the Iraqis handed the British food back.”

“President Clinton signed a $10 million deal to write a book by 2003. Isnt that amazing? Yes, and get this, not only that, President Bush signed a $10 million deal to read a book by 2003.”

“Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasnt changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that hes started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob.”

“In a prime-time address, President Bush said he backed limited federal funding for stem cell research. Thats right, the President said, this is a quote, the research could help cure brain diseases like Alzheimers, Parkinsons, and whatever it is I have.”

“Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isnt in their neighborhood.”

“Bob Dole is going to be appearing in a Pepsi commercial with Britney Spears. Yeah, apparently Dole says that if this doesnt cure his erectile dysfunction, nothing will.”

“Presidential campaign getting kind of ugly, did you hear about this? Yesterday, a 27- year-old woman came forward to deny rumors that she had an affair with Democratic front- runner John Kerry. The woman added, I would never cheat on Bill Clinton.”

“Martha Stewart showed up at Manhattan FBI Headquarters to have her finger prints taken and pose for a mug shot. Then Martha explained how to get ink off your fingers using seltzer water and lemon juice.”