Quotes by Carroll Bryant

Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless youre the one getting slapped with the stick.

What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer.

All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it.

How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I cant buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat?

When it comes to being famous, you’re usually the last to know, and the first to deny it. Unless you were already famous in your head. In which case, party on, Wayne! Party on, Garth!

I dont like to give up on people when they need someone not to give up on them.

Cool people are only cool for the first thirty minutes of knowing them. After that, they just become annoying.

I saw Americas economy last night, people raiding dumpsters at a higher rate than normal in my home town. Digging through garbage shouldnt be a career. Thanks Democrats. Thanks Republicans.

No matter how many plans you make or how much in control you are, life is always winging it.

If you want to dance the dance then you better learn the steps, the world has enough pretenders. If you want to practice sex then you better find a partner, and to love you must surrender.

I think a person can do one of two things in life ... make your own choices despite the past or let your past make your choices for you. Very few poeple go through life completely untouched by something bad. Its just up to the individual on how much of that bad you want to define who you are where it should be that YOU define who you are.

To which hand do I choose to strike with when both hands are guided by the same heart?

I feel like I am either on the cusp of something great, or standing on the edge of my abyss, discovering something brand new, or uncovering somebody elses lost imagination.

Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn’t that there arent any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are ugly.

If theyre not going to respect you, then they best damn well fear you.

Some people make things happen. Some people watch things happen. And then there are those who wonder, What the hell just happened?

There is no need to masturbate your brain, just to ejaculate your thoughts all over the place

My best days are Monday through Friday, and Saturday and Sunday. Ian, Wesley noted, that covers the whole week. Ian nods his head. Pretty much.

Luck is the bastard child of Fate and Destiny.

If I had wanted children of my own, I would have gotten married. If I had wanted to get married, I would have fallen in love. If I had wanted to fall in love, I would have met the right girl. If I had wanted to meet the right girl, I would have drank a whole lot less.