Quotes by Bauvard

I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was ‘excuse me’.

Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.

I don’t read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me.

Envy is for people who don’t have the self-esteem to be jealous.

If you want to change the world, just change yourself. The world needs traitors.

I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy.

Welcome to Telepathics Anonymous. Don’t bother introducing yourself.

Without humor, we’d all be what we’re laughing at. Without arrogance, we’d be humiliated to admit we already are.

Divorce runs high these days, but I’m an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular.

Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs – each section of a department store has its advantages.

We need to save the forests. I have a big warehouse we can store them in.

The stars have a strong effect on our daily shopping lives. Hollywood is astrology’s only credible conspiracy.

We need to revitalize the American spirit. People are always asking ‘What would the founding fathers do,’ but I have yet to witness a single séance.

Trees are corrupting our parks. They should be arrested for loitering. For deciduous trees, add littering and indecent exposure to that list of offenses.

Injuries heal, but wrinkles are the scars of time.

A man is always devoted to something more tangible than a woman - the idea of her.

Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent’s past, there’s leftover booze and contraceptives.

When someone gives me either a democratic or republican pamphlet, I throw it in their face. I’m a librarian, damn it! We only take book donations.

Treat each other like human beings? But the other great apes have no class hierarchy.

I get a lot of big ideas, and occasionally I actually come up with one myself.