Quotes by Anonymous

The recipe for a good speech includes some shortening.

We noticed a crasher at the bar - that shows what a real man he is - hes here to show hes not ticked for not being asked.

Response to clapping: Thank you for ovating.

When I told her we were going to roast her she said Of course . . . they only crucify the innocent.

As one skeleton said to the other - if I had any guts Id get the heck out of here.

Thanks for the nice introduction. Next to my resume thats the closest Ill ever come to perfection.

We were worried that our main speaker wouldnt be able to make it tonight. But fortunately due to a hole in the prosecutions case . . .

I hope you will excuse my being late. The person in this organization who gave me directions here has obviously heard me speak before.

When I was preparing for this speech I asked my family for advice. One member replied Theres a first time for everything so try to be funny and brief.

Most experts suggest that one should open with a joke. Obviously theyve never heard me tell a joke.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Im pleased to be with you. (Pause) That concludes my prepared remarks.

Im moving down here . . . because some of you in the back might not be able to hear my talk . . . and that wouldnt be fair to those who can hear it.

Opportunity knocks but once.

Optimism: A cheerful frame of mind that enables a tea kettle to sing though in hot water up to its nose.

An optimist sees an opportunity in every calamity a pessimist sees a calamity in every opportunity.

Have a place for everything and have everything in its place.

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

The apples on the other side of the wall are the sweetest.

Acorns were good till bread was found.

What makes us discontented with our condition is the absurdly exaggerated idea we have of the happiness of others.