Quotes by Alan King

If you want to read about love and marriage youve got to buy two separate books.

We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or stage Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.

If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.

And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody? You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.

Theres a charm, theres a rhythm, theres a soul to Jewish humor. When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, Youre doing a Jewish act.

My father was a dreamer - my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of ladys handbags, an old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: Dont end up like me.

When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didnt like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, Its a little cloudy. I took the tube from her and said, Let me run it through again, and drank it. The nurse fainted.

I learned to cook in self-defense. My wife doesnt know what a kitchen is. In the first month of our marriage, she broiled lamb chops 26 nights in a row. Then I took over. I used to mind her not caring about food, but no more - as long as I can eat what I want.

My wife is a very attractive woman, and shes always worried about her diet. But she doesnt pay attention to me, and I dont pay attention to her. Shes a vegetarian, and it drives me crazy.

Thats the great thing about New Years, you get to be a year older. For me, that wasnt such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time. When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. Thats what the trees are all about.

Marriage is natures way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.

If you want to read about love and marriage, youve got to buy two separate books.

Banks have a new image. Now you have a friend, your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

My mothers sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.

Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We set no styles, no standards. Were reflections. Its a distorted mirror in the fun house. We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.